Hammock Land

The Jade Monkey Returns - Part II: Darkness Becomes

Thursday, January 17th

Tex found himself jet lagged and wandered in to a dive bar he used to frequent in West Providence. The name isn’t important - only the people.

A girl, or at least she used to be, greeted Tex with a smile filled with longing and regret. To call her the one that got away would be understating something.

“Hey there angel.” Tex grumbled.

Angel seemed unmoved.

“You’ve got a lot of balls coming back here.”

“Already with the sweet talk?” Tex pushed past his old fizzled flame and sought the comfort of a nearby bar stool.

“You left me at the train station with a suitcase and a broken heart!”

Some of the other customers started to look on but they knew that Kristina was excitable so they gradually turned back to their conversations on the PC Friars or other such nonsense.

“Babe you make this sound like Casablanca. You knew from day one that a cop and a…”

Tex paused and ordered a drink. Vodka and cranberry juice. The lifeblood of this grizzled soldier.

“And a what?”

“And a girl with legs like yours could never be together.”

“I’m not a prostitute.”

“I never said you were.”

“Today.”

“Come on, I just got off the plane, ease up will ya?”

“It was a long time ago and it wasn’t for very long. I tried moving but sometimes a reputation sticks. You know what that’s like.”

Tex took the last long sip of his first Capecodder. He slowly put the shot glass down. Contemplative was his mood.

“Yeah, I know what that’s like.” Tex was reminded of the demons he had tried so hard to forget. Shadows may change direction as the sun rises and sets but shadows always remain.

“Tex I…I didn’t mean to make you upset. I’m just…” She sighed. Sometimes she was still a girl. “I’m just surprised to see you. I missed you.”

Tex got up. He had more pertinent business to attend to. This sultry dame could wait.

“I gotta go. You look beautiful kid.”

With that Tex kissed his long lost love on the forehead and started to leave. She called him back.

“But where are you going? Can’t I go with you? Will you be back?”

Tex considered the three pronged question.

“I’ll be around. I might be back. But if I’m not…” He trailed off.

“But if you’re not?”

Kristina’s voice sounded hopeful. Like the engine of an old car being started in the cold. A tear or two threated to break the austerity of Tex’s eyes.

“We’ll always have Weekapaug.”

Kristina had tears streaming down her face. Tex couldn’t bear to watch. He left as quickly as his burdened legs would allow.

Now wasn’t the time for puppy love.

The Jade Monkey was waiting.

An explanation

Because I got a question from 1 of the 5 people who regularly read my blog I figured I must offer a quick explanation of the last post.

That shit be the first in a series of entries that tells the story of the Jade Monkey. Obvious right? Well here’s the thing, my father bought this book: Sax Rohmer’s Legend of Fu Manchu, and it is honestly the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. It’s brilliant. It’s just this stupid hackneyed mystery novel and it was probably the first book burned in Fahrenheit 451. Really you guys have no idea how bad it is, I might start throwing out excerpts from it at some point.

Anyway, I got the idea to write an incomprehensible mystery epic and thats what is going to be happening around here at Poor Scouser Tommy for a little while. Don’t like it? Well Mr. Big Pants just…don’t leave me…I’ll be alone…

The Jade Monkey Returns - Part I: The Prelude

Monday, January 15th

Tex Savory was a deliberate man filled with inertia.

Today was a bad day to quit smoking.

Tex had put away Ringu DaShin years ago. I guess it takes one mad man to catch another.

The flicker of a Miami Dolphins game played with the air as Tex picked up the phone. It was his mother. She was calling to know if he had heard the news. He had.

It seems DaShin was able to call in a few political favors - with some sizable bribes no doubt -and got his 20 year sentence knocked down to 18 months, 12 with good behavior. Was there any doubt that Ringu would be a good boy for a year?

Tex curtly said goodbye to his over worried mother. “Pfft, Moms” exhaled Tex. He had taken all the excitement he could bear. He had a plane to catch.

Tuesday, January 16th

Tex flew from Chattanooga to Providence. The vegetarian lasagna was cold. US Air always managed to disappoint Mr. Savory. The frigidity of his meal mattered not. He had to go back. To where it all started. To where the myth became reality. To the day he retired and swore never to return.

He had to find the Jade Monkey.

What was the Jade Monkey? It was Tex’ big break. It was the case where he made his name. Tex made a bust on a prostitution ring that went all the way to city hall. After the dust had cleared the Mayor, the DA and four Chinese Nationals were in federal prison. The leader was the aforementioned Ringu DaShin. An esteemed diplomat and noted confeiter, DaShin dangled his fingers in many sinister soups. But what was the Jade Monkey?

The Jade Monkey was a promise, an institution, a right and most importantly a way out. Tex needed all the help he could get at this time. But would he risk the integrity of his career just to put the scumbag who made him famous back in jail?

He had to. The fate of the free world depended on it.

For Tim

You see this asshole? Don’t ever, ever watch my team play again. Just stay the fuck away. You’re poison. You’re cancer. If you see Liverpool walking toward you on the street I want you to walk away in the opposite direction. Capische?

03 Mar, 2009Liverpool v. SunderlandBarclays Premier LeagueH20:00Result

2-0 Win

Why adware should die...hard...5...return of office buildings

All I wanted was to watch Wednesday’s Lost episode before ABC put it on their website. It was such a great show that I couldn’t wait to watch it again. So I went to one of my Lost fan sites and I found that someone posted a link to another site that had the episode up already. “Ninjavideo.net” I was pretty pumped for two reasons: one, LOST! two, NINJAS! three, NETS! So I clicked on the link and yeah, the episode was there along with a lot of other stuff. But you know what else was there? Do you? Well, there’s a fucking reason why I didn’t just put a link to that website for all you fine folk to click on and that’s because all Ninja Charlie’s Happy Home Hacker Website does is throw a metric ton of spyware, adware and viruses on your computer. I spent the better part of two days trying to get that shit off my computer and on top of that I spent the other part of those two days trying to make a powerpoint for my speech class and write an outline for the speech.

But do you know what the worst part about everything was?

The only aim of all the viruses on my computer was to generate pop up after pop up for videos on funnyordie.com featuring different cats doing adorable and hilarious things.

CATS! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? I COULDN’T EVEN BE THAT MAD!

My computer had the cutest infestation ever. I long for my home to be plagued by kitty cats.

Just a quick Wal Mart note

A sample of what I deal with about seventeen times a day

Woman: So you don’t have anymore videogames?

(Standing in an aisle populated by empty videogame cases)

Me: No, not really.

Woman: You don’t seem to have much of ANYTHING!

Me: Well we are closing.

Woman: What?

Me: Next month. The store is closing in early March. It’s being made into a Supercenter.

Woman: Oh I didn’t know that.

Me: Yeah it was in the news paper and we have signs up in the store, like that one.

(Here I point to a sign that says “We Apologize For the Appearance of the store. Please excuse us as we transition into a Supercenter.”)

Woman: Oh yeah, I saw that when I walked in but I didn’t know what it was referring to.

Me: Yeah, it’s referring to us turning into a Supercenter.

Woman:Oh, well, thanks for looking for the game anyway.

Me: You’re very welcome.

All I want sometimes is one of those cartoon mallets…