Hammock Land

This couldn't be cooler

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 13:10:42 -0400

Tenley showed this to me not five minutes ago and I love it. If you love time travel movies in any shape of form you will love this. It tracks where EVERY MAJOR TIME TRAVEL PLOTLINE IN TV OR FILM HAS GONE. It’s awesome. Just look at it.

G.I. JOE!!!!!

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 10:53:31 -0400

Mr. Eko and Cesar were in the movie, two dead characters from L O S T.

There were also character flashbacks.

Those things were cool for like a sixth of a second.

But there was also a Wayans.

There was also Channing Tatum.

There was also two ninjas who were faux brothers.

There was also an emotionless Sienna Miller.

There was also, for some reason, an absurd plot line that starts in France circa 1641.

The Joes had their hidden base in Egypt UNDER SOME RANDOM SAND DUNE and the “Clan McCullen” had their hidden base UNDER SOME RANDOM ASS GLACIER IN THE ARCTIC.

Oh also the President of the United States now is some bad guy who had his face altered to look like the current President by nanomites. At one point this bad guy actually looks at the camera and winks because he arbitrarily killed some egyptian and took his clothes. The Joes thought they stopped McCullen and M.A.R.S. by imprisoning him and Cobra *Spoiler Alert* but they were really just playing their part in a chess game they didn’t know they were involved in.

This movie should be considered a domestic terrorist action. None of it makes sense. The movie goes to great lengths to establish motivation for the key players but that motivation is just beyond retarded. Channing Tatum lets Sienna Miller’s brother die *Spoiler Alert*….or so they thought. It turns out her brother survived but had his face mutilated. This experience turns him into a bad super scientist and he injects his sister with NANOMITES (nanomites are essentially the main characters in this film. Oh what are they? Just microscopic ant like robots who eat through anything…including monuments) so she becomes evil too and stops feeling the pain over losing her brother…only she didn’t…and he could have just said “Hey I’m not dead” and through some good old fashion family therapy they both could have been okay and this movie wouldn’t have happened. But that’s beside the point. They (Sienna Miller’s brother and use her to get with some rich fancy French scientist who weaponizes a nanomite war head which the bad guys use to dismantle the Eiffel Tower.

Lets stop here for a second.

What?

This movie had so many complicated relationships between the characters that it shattered my preconceived notion of what absurd was. It was almost like this movie worked so hard to get people to take its plotline based on toys seriously that it just became an awful, awful joke. The cast was just rotten. Every line of dialog was delivered in that bad action movie hallmark “WHAT I’M SAYING IS OF GRAVE AND DIRE IMPORTANCE” way. But it wasn’t even charmingly bad like Commando or enjoyably bad like I Know Who Killed Me it was just bad in a way that is completely unacceptable.

So naturally G.I. JOE had a 55 million dollar opening weekend box office gross and a sequel has been confirmed.

Things that irk me

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:28:32 -0400

I’m an interesting sort of person. Well probably not. But over the last few years I’ve come to realize something that I find interesting about myself.

In a crisis situation, I am your man. I will drive you to the hospital whilst maintaining fum small talk, clean up the meth explosion with a cheery disposition or recover from some balls crazy injury and I will remain cool as a paricularly mellow cucumber throughout the experience. I can handle the big shit.

But for some reason if I stub my toe, or I’m a little cold or I step in a puddle I will just disintegrate into the Littlest Bitch. I can’t fix this. I don’t have the power.

I’m going to see G.I. JOE tomorrow. I can hardly wait to wake up and watch its Wayons covered glory. The only thing better than a bad, bad, terribly bad action movie starring Dennis Quaid is a bad, bad, utterly incomprehensible action movie starring Nicholas Cage. I really wish they’d team up for like the Gay Parent Trap II But With Guns or Something. Yeah…

More Shatner!

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:11:08 -0400

More Shatner!:

I could and probably should turn this strictly into a Shatner blog.

I really hope my uncle Frank clicks on this

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 12:38:34 -0400

I really hope my uncle Frank clicks on this:

Why? Because it combines two of his great loves. The Republican party and William Shatner.

ABC's "Lost" in Plagiarising "Gilligan's Island" Shocker!

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:35:55 -0400

ABC's "Lost" in Plagiarising "Gilligan's Island" Shocker!

Sometimes I worry about finding like a cache of weird porn on this computer and never being able to...

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:55:27 -0400

Sometimes I worry about finding like a cache of weird porn on this computer and never being able to look at Liz the same way again. Like if she was into Dungeons and Dragon porn I’d probably have to ask her to move out without giving her an explanation as to why.

I kind of wish computers could learn a personality. Like they will only show lesbian porn because that’s what they like. I don’t think this kind of thing is too far away either. At work like every other week I put money in the candy machine and I hit C9 for a Snickers and the machine beeps and says “MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION”.

Why? WHY! WHY MUST I DO THAT? YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!

And then I get horrible flashbacks and pass out. They gave me a raise last time. Next time I may not be so lucky.

Backstory:

So my computer’s power cable broke the other day. I’ve been pretty sad about it. I’ve been using my sister’s friend’s computer and it kind of weirds me out. When I came to Tumblr just now I had all intentions of creating my first new post on here in months. Now that I’m here I got hit with all kinds of writers block and THIS, what is being written now, is not at all what I wanted to say.

Best Buy wanted 80 bucks for the power cable.

Eff that. I found one from HP new on eBay for 25 bucks.

Oh man. They are probably feeling that heat. Uh huh. All up and down.

The Jade Monkey Returns - Part V: Anger on the Footsteps of Tomorrow

Fri, 08 May 2009 16:12:57 -0400

January 23

The birds were singing a tune of indefinable origin, probably Japanese. The cars started like normal, save for Mrs. Upton’s Chevy. The sun did, yet again, rise in the East and it seemed as though it had similar designs on setting in the West. We couldn’t be sure. Not today. Not on this day, for this was no normal morning.

Kristina woke up early and made herself a pot of coffee. Today was gonna be a rough kind of day.

She flicked on the small television in the kitchen. The roar of static came through the tiny speakers on the Pioneer 15 inch LCD Television she had bought at CostCo for $239.65 on February 12th of last year. Channel Five was a little snowy this morning.

Kristina puttered about the kitchen in haze, she’d been drinking herself drunk every night to get to sleep since he’d walked back into her life.

She walked over to her word of the day calendar and removed January 22.

“Sumptuous” she repeated, like the calendar wanted her to.

What would January 23rd’s word be? The excitement was palable in Kristina’s Rhode Island home.

As she took a sip of her scalding hot coffee she was alarmed to see that the calendar went immediately to January 24th. She looked quizzically at the cheap gift her aunt had gotten her for Christmas the previous for a moment.

Then she remembered everything all at once. She dropped her coffee mug - it shattered all over the linoleum floor. She quickly put the calendar down and tried cleaning up the mess she had just made but she was overcome by sadness incarnate. She wept openly with shards of glass, or whatever the mug was made of, littered about the recently refinished kitchen. She got down on all fours to shoulder the burden of remembering. The shards cut her hand.

Her television had just conquered the static. Channel Five came in clear as a bell. She looked at it through tear soaked eyes to see his face on the screen. The announcer said:

“…and of course we all remember the near cataclysmic events that occurred exactly three years ago today. Attempting to complete a dastardly plot, Ringu Dashin was foiled by the brave Tex Savory, who gave his life to heroically save mankind. All of us here at Channel Five - and around the world - owe Tex an incredible debt of gratitude. Thank you Mr. Savory, thank you.”

Kristina fumbled for the remote, finding out on the floor near the cupboard, and she quickly turned off the television. She dropped the remote and put her head in her hands.

Had it really been three years?

Kristina couldn’t believe it. It had been three years since she last touched her one true love.

She wiped her eyes and started picking up the pieces off the ground - much like she’d been doing lo these last three years. She sat at the round kitchen table she’d bought at Lowe’s and let out a deep sigh.

It was time for a bath.

Kristina grabbed her Herbal Essences bubble bath and disrobed. The water was warm and soothing. She needed this.

Just as she descended into the tub footsteps could be heard slowly making their way to her bathroom.

Kristina was frightened.

Tap

The footsteps were getting closer.

Tap

The were in front of her door.

Tap

The handle jiggled and the door opened slowly.

“TEX!”

“Don’t I know it baby?”

“But…but…I watched you die! Today! Three years ago! Why did you have to do it?”

“I could never save you kid, so I had to save the world.” Tex chuckled. “Turns out that was easier.”

“But…where’ve you been? I’ve needed you!”

“Dead men don’t get to tell tales kiddo. Where I went you can’t follow.”

“There’s so many questions I have to ask you…I don’t know how to feel…I’m relieved, angry and…Tex I’m in the bathroom! Get out!”

“Listen to me, bitch. None of that matters. Someone is trying to uncover my secret. Someone is trying to find me. Someone I thought died a long time ago.”

“Ringu? He’s back?”

“And better than ever. And he’ll stop at nothing until…”

“Until what? Tex?”

“Tell me you still have it.”

“Have what?”

At this insolence Tex let fly his back hand and slapped his long lost love across the face. It was how they communicated.

“JESUS TEX!”

“Sorry.”

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”

“Kristina. Do you have the package I gave you that day?”

“Of course I do! It’s down stairs in the - TEX!”

What happened next no one really knows. What we do know is that Ringu Dashin had followed Tex to Kristina’s apartment. We know that after making it there he shot Tex in the back of the head, killing him stone dead - again. We know that after a struggle Kristina escaped - naked - into the streets of Providence. What we don’t know is who, how or where Tex’s body ended up. We don’t know how Ringu found the wily ex cop. But we do know how Ringu Dashin died and why he was discovered by the police with the left side of his face completed melted through to the bone.

He got too close to the Jade Monkey…

And now it was loose.

The Jade Monkey Returns - Part IV: The Night Beckons the Morning to Show Up On Time

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:30:32 -0400

Friday, January 18th…Part Two…

There was a stillness in the air. Almost as if an atom bomb had exploded. Tex Savory had never felt more afraid.

He had never felt more alive.

It would appear to even the most casual of observers that Ringu DaShin finagled his way out of jail even earlier than expected. Deception had not tangoed with Appearance on this occassion.

“So, you had a twin eh? Or do all you Nips just look alike?”

DaShin smiled that cocksure smile. Sinatra would ‘ave socked him.

“Yes, yes I have a twin. He was doing a nickel in Attica and through my vast network of nefarious connections I was able to get him to take my cell. Once he was there I was able to arrange for some business clothes to arrive and I simply walked out the front door. Simple as.”

‘Simple as’ rang out in the abandoned warehouse Ringu had taken Tex. After trapping him in his dummy cab all the sublimely evil DaShin had to do was take him down to the Warf where his goons would be waiting anxiously. Tex was summarily beaten and then tied up for his troubles. Apparently this is what awaits ex detectives seeking a cab ride. What has this world come to?

“Huh, so he’s getting out in 18 months. Not bad DaShin, you managed to get out of jail and find a way to get your scum brother out almost four years early. Not bad at all. I’d respect your effort if I didn’t want to piss on your guts.”

DaShin laughed this time. The nuclear air had been insulted.

“Oh Mr. Savory, your wit is in mid season form. I almost dread having to kill you in this manner. A man of your stature doesn’t deserve to be burned alive but then again a man of my stature doesn’t deserve some over ambitious ex detective meddling in my affairs.”

Tex didn’t have much time. Soon damn near the entire warehouse would be covered in gasoline by DaShin and his ragamuffin gangster wannabes. There was no time to spare. There was no time.

“You know you’ll never find it Ringu.”

Tex was taking a calculated risk.

“To what are you referring to Mr. Savory?”

It was working.

“We both know what you’re after DaShin, you testicle cuddling fairy.”

The esteemed Asian confeiter and criminal was beginning to lose his nerve at that most unusual barb. Tex knew how to work against a broken clock.

“Mr. Savory, I must protest your insolence as you fail to realize that I am the man holding the match. So I will ask you again, nicely, what are you referring to?”

“The Jade Monkey. That’s what this is all about. That’s why you’re back. You need to finish your unfinished business. You think it’s here don’t you?”

“Hahaha, don’t you Mr. Savory? Isn’t that why you came to Providence of all places? Leaving your happy Tennessee home? Don’t you expect to it here?”

“I don’t expect to find the Jade Monkey Ringu, I expect to find peace. Maybe that’s what it was all along, peace, solace and comfort. I doubt your perverted mind could comprehend a concept so heartwarming.”

Ringu and his men stopped their slick task almost in unison. They all stared an Tex. Ringu seemed particularly anxious to share his piece. He would get to.

“Mr. Savory your honesty and…unsetling sweetness is…refreshing? I think. I guess you can color me off guard. However this hasn’t done anything to change your fate. I still have to kill you and you can die knowing that the Jade Monkey is here.”

“Ringu…it’s…real?”

“Oh it is very real Mr. Savory and its power is greater than even I could ever have hoped to imagine. The world will be falling under my thumb Mr. Savory and you can do nothing to stop it. Haha, I’m almost sad you won’t get to see your pathetic government crumble before me. Oh well, I hope you like your meat well done because things are going to get a little…hot? Ah-hahahaha”

With that Ringu’s men joined him in a chorus of uproarious laughter. Even Tex chuckled at the pretty lame one liner. One liners were always the part of being a bad guy that Ringu had the most trouble with. He knew he was going to die.

As soon as the last of his men left the warehouse Ringu turned around and spoke.

“You were the greatest enemy I’ve ever had. I never feared the wrath of a man quite like yours Mr. Savory. I will cherish the time we’ve shared but unfortunately that must be brought to an explosive climax. Good bye dear rival and dare I say it…friend.”

Ringu took out a zippo emblazoned with the Red Skull from Captain America and set the warehouse on the Warf ablaze.

Surely there was no escape for Tex this time. He began to think about all the regrets he had in his life and tried to make peace with them all at once. He thought about all the one night stands, all the wrongful arrests and all the broken hearts. He thought about his poor mother, probably drinking herself into another dream. He thought about his life and how he may never be remembered in this brave new apocalyptic world Ringu was bringing to planet Earth.

But all these thoughts mattered not.

Because Kristina and Earl burst through the burning doors to save him.

The Jade Monkey Returns - Part III: Attacking Calm

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:43:00 -0400

Friday, January 18th

Tex hit up a CI he used to know back when his bones gave a damn. Earl was his name, though not his real one. The streets forced you to adopt a pseudonym faster than Al Capone could jimmy a blue four door Sedan. It didn’t matter what Earl’s real name was today. The only thing that mattered was the truth with which he could speak.

“Earl I’ve been waiting here near a week!” Earl chuckled a big Jamaican laugh at Tex’ hyperbole.Tex invited Earl to dine with him at Paco’s Kitchen, a former front for DaShin. I guess Tex just wanted to bask in the justice he helped bring.

“Tex brudda man! Ow lung you ben in dis ‘hood?”

“You know I don’t understand your jive talk!” Earl laughed that infectious laugh once more. Tex was joking of course, the man understood everything all too well. “But I’ve been here a day…I had to come back…I assume you heard.”

Earl’s face dropped from happy to disturbed in well under a second. He knew too.

“U bahking up de rong twee today Tex. As madda of facts, I think you best fogets this bizness.”

At this Earl turned around and flipped his head. Then he turned back to Tex and stared at him.

Of course. How could he not see it coming.

Tex recognized the bartender, a man by the name of Jess. Then recognized two of the bus boys.

They were DaShin’s people.

Tex had them all locked up ‘round the same time as their dastardly leader. This could be bad. Could? This would be bad. Tex had to think fast.

“Earl you have to throw your water at my face and then punch me.”

“Wha? You talkin crazy dreamz brudda man!”

“No! You need to listen! Jesse, Caldo and Empraim are all here. I should’ve known that DaShin would get his underlings out of lock up to get his business up and running before he himself got let out. The swine, the pure unadulterated swine! They’re probably already slingin’ product.”

“But that’ll dwaw ‘tention to me an u, wight?”

“Of course! That’s the plan. We’re in a restaurant. There’s lots of people here. Even if the recognize us they can’t wam jam boom us. You have to been seen disagreeing with me so they won’t come after you. I’m a big boy, I can handle myself. You’re already in a dangerous enough position. So now, no more pussyfooting! SPLASH ME!”

Like Buddy Holly falling out of the sky, it all happened so fast. The water. The punch. The fall. The accusing eyes of the waitress staff. It all happened.

Earl ran out of Paco’s before Tex even had time to reacquaint himself with the floor. Good.

The shift manager, not one of DaShin’s people luckily, picked Tex up off the ground and threw him out. Jess and his rippers didn’t have to time to organize an attack on Tex. His hairbrained plan worked to perfection.

Tex picked himself up off the ground outside the restaurant and briskly jogged for a cab. That Jamaican sure could punch.

Tex got inside the cab and sighed deeply. Maybe this town isn’t for him. Maybe he should just stay out of this and just let Ringu carry out his twisted plot. Maybe Tex was getting too old for this sort of thing. Maybe -

“Where ya headed Tex?” Said the cabbie. This was becoming uncomfortable.

“Uh take me to West Cumberl-wait, how did you know my name?”

“Ha ha, oh I know a great many things about you Mr. Savory.”

The cabbie turned around…

It was Ringu DaShin.

Soccer Player Shot Dead in Iraq Seconds Before Chance to Tie the Game

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 12:15:00 -0400

Soccer Player Shot Dead in Iraq Seconds Before Chance to Tie the Game:

The title says it all and the link exists just for proof that this did in fact happen. This story goes out to anyone who has ever watched a big sports moment and thought to yourself “What if someone just killed that guy right now?”

This story is tragic, LOL funny and it is of course indicative of why no one should go to Iraq for any reason ever.

The Jade Monkey Returns - Part II: Darkness Becomes

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:30:00 -0400

Thursday, January 17th

Tex found himself jet lagged and wandered in to a dive bar he used to frequent in West Providence. The name isn’t important - only the people.

A girl, or at least she used to be, greeted Tex with a smile filled with longing and regret. To call her the one that got away would be understating something.

“Hey there angel.” Tex grumbled.

Angel seemed unmoved.

“You’ve got a lot of balls coming back here.”

“Already with the sweet talk?” Tex pushed past his old fizzled flame and sought the comfort of a nearby bar stool.

“You left me at the train station with a suitcase and a broken heart!”

Some of the other customers started to look on but they knew that Kristina was excitable so they gradually turned back to their conversations on the PC Friars or other such nonsense.

“Babe you make this sound like Casablanca. You knew from day one that a cop and a…”

Tex paused and ordered a drink. Vodka and cranberry juice. The lifeblood of this grizzled soldier.

“And a what?”

“And a girl with legs like yours could never be together.”

“I’m not a prostitute.”

“I never said you were.”

“Today.”

“Come on, I just got off the plane, ease up will ya?”

“It was a long time ago and it wasn’t for very long. I tried moving but sometimes a reputation sticks. You know what that’s like.”

Tex took the last long sip of his first Capecodder. He slowly put the shot glass down. Contemplative was his mood.

“Yeah, I know what that’s like.” Tex was reminded of the demons he had tried so hard to forget. Shadows may change direction as the sun rises and sets but shadows always remain.

“Tex I…I didn’t mean to make you upset. I’m just…” She sighed. Sometimes she was still a girl. “I’m just surprised to see you. I missed you.”

Tex got up. He had more pertinent business to attend to. This sultry dame could wait.

“I gotta go. You look beautiful kid.”

With that Tex kissed his long lost love on the forehead and started to leave. She called him back.

“But where are you going? Can’t I go with you? Will you be back?”

Tex considered the three pronged question.

“I’ll be around. I might be back. But if I’m not…” He trailed off.

“But if you’re not?”

Kristina’s voice sounded hopeful. Like the engine of an old car being started in the cold. A tear or two threated to break the austerity of Tex’s eyes.

“We’ll always have Weekapaug.”

Kristina had tears streaming down her face. Tex couldn’t bear to watch. He left as quickly as his burdened legs would allow.

Now wasn’t the time for puppy love.

The Jade Monkey was waiting.

“George Lucas in Love”. If you haven’t seen...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:15:00 -0400

“George Lucas in Love”. If you haven’t seen this you want to.

Addendum: This video was shown to me by my uncle Frank who in no way cared whether or not he received written credit for having exposed me to the most important short film of the modern era. He definitely didn’t call me to goad me into giving him credit for the scoop. Frank did nothing of the sort. At all. He’s just not that kind of person.

An explanation

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:09:42 -0400

Because I got a question from 1 of the 5 people who regularly read my blog I figured I must offer a quick explanation of the last post.

That shit be the first in a series of entries that tells the story of the Jade Monkey. Obvious right? Well here’s the thing, my father bought this book: Sax Rohmer’s Legend of Fu Manchu, and it is honestly the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. It’s brilliant. It’s just this stupid hackneyed mystery novel and it was probably the first book burned in Fahrenheit 451. Really you guys have no idea how bad it is, I might start throwing out excerpts from it at some point.

Anyway, I got the idea to write an incomprehensible mystery epic and thats what is going to be happening around here at Poor Scouser Tommy for a little while. Don’t like it? Well Mr. Big Pants just…don’t leave me…I’ll be alone…

The Jade Monkey Returns - Part I: The Prelude

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 02:15:51 -0400

Monday, January 15th

Tex Savory was a deliberate man filled with inertia.

Today was a bad day to quit smoking.

Tex had put away Ringu DaShin years ago. I guess it takes one mad man to catch another.

The flicker of a Miami Dolphins game played with the air as Tex picked up the phone. It was his mother. She was calling to know if he had heard the news. He had.

It seems DaShin was able to call in a few political favors - with some sizable bribes no doubt -and got his 20 year sentence knocked down to 18 months, 12 with good behavior. Was there any doubt that Ringu would be a good boy for a year?

Tex curtly said goodbye to his over worried mother. “Pfft, Moms” exhaled Tex. He had taken all the excitement he could bear. He had a plane to catch.

Tuesday, January 16th

Tex flew from Chattanooga to Providence. The vegetarian lasagna was cold. US Air always managed to disappoint Mr. Savory. The frigidity of his meal mattered not. He had to go back. To where it all started. To where the myth became reality. To the day he retired and swore never to return.

He had to find the Jade Monkey.

What was the Jade Monkey? It was Tex’ big break. It was the case where he made his name. Tex made a bust on a prostitution ring that went all the way to city hall. After the dust had cleared the Mayor, the DA and four Chinese Nationals were in federal prison. The leader was the aforementioned Ringu DaShin. An esteemed diplomat and noted confeiter, DaShin dangled his fingers in many sinister soups. But what was the Jade Monkey?

The Jade Monkey was a promise, an institution, a right and most importantly a way out. Tex needed all the help he could get at this time. But would he risk the integrity of his career just to put the scumbag who made him famous back in jail?

He had to. The fate of the free world depended on it.

For Tim

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:41:12 -0500

You see this asshole? Don’t ever, ever watch my team play again. Just stay the fuck away. You’re poison. You’re cancer. If you see Liverpool walking toward you on the street I want you to walk away in the opposite direction. Capische?

03 Mar, 2009 Liverpool v. Sunderland Barclays Premier League H 20:00Result

2-0 Win

Why adware should die...hard...5...return of office buildings

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 13:28:44 -0500

All I wanted was to watch Wednesday’s Lost episode before ABC put it on their website. It was such a great show that I couldn’t wait to watch it again. So I went to one of my Lost fan sites and I found that someone posted a link to another site that had the episode up already. “Ninjavideo.net” I was pretty pumped for two reasons: one, LOST! two, NINJAS! three, NETS! So I clicked on the link and yeah, the episode was there along with a lot of other stuff. But you know what else was there? Do you? Well, there’s a fucking reason why I didn’t just put a link to that website for all you fine folk to click on and that’s because all Ninja Charlie’s Happy Home Hacker Website does is throw a metric ton of spyware, adware and viruses on your computer. I spent the better part of two days trying to get that shit off my computer and on top of that I spent the other part of those two days trying to make a powerpoint for my speech class and write an outline for the speech.

But do you know what the worst part about everything was?

The only aim of all the viruses on my computer was to generate pop up after pop up for videos on funnyordie.com featuring different cats doing adorable and hilarious things.

CATS! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? I COULDN’T EVEN BE THAT MAD!

My computer had the cutest infestation ever. I long for my home to be plagued by kitty cats.

Literature be damned!

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 23:39:00 -0500

Literature be damned!:

You know, you’d think “dantesinferno.com” would either have something to do with the book of the same name or some kind of devilish sex toy but you’d be wrong. It’s a new videogame coming out for the PS3 and the Xbox 360. Everyone really should check out at least one video of this game. Essentially they’ve abandoned the beautiful narrative of a middle aged Italian man journeying through hell to search for the love of his life and replaced it with the story of a pissed off vaguely British guy who kills the already dead in hell with a gigantic axe. I’m hoping that “Dante’s Inferno Kinda: The Game” becomes a raging success and finally someone turns their attention to the action packed espionage thriller “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man”. I mean, come on, Stephen Dedalus could control fire with his mind and kill anyone who enjoys Tennyson. Joyce novels are just untapped videogame gold.

Just a quick Wal Mart note

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:25:41 -0500

A sample of what I deal with about seventeen times a day

Woman: So you don’t have anymore videogames?

(Standing in an aisle populated by empty videogame cases)

Me: No, not really.

Woman: You don’t seem to have much of ANYTHING!

Me: Well we are closing.

Woman: What?

Me: Next month. The store is closing in early March. It’s being made into a Supercenter.

Woman: Oh I didn’t know that.

Me: Yeah it was in the news paper and we have signs up in the store, like that one.

(Here I point to a sign that says “We Apologize For the Appearance of the store. Please excuse us as we transition into a Supercenter.”)

Woman: Oh yeah, I saw that when I walked in but I didn’t know what it was referring to.

Me: Yeah, it’s referring to us turning into a Supercenter.

Woman:Oh, well, thanks for looking for the game anyway.

Me: You’re very welcome.

All I want sometimes is one of those cartoon mallets…

L O S T fans gotta watch this if you haven't already

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 16:50:35 -0500

L O S T fans gotta watch this if you haven't already:

Unfortunately you’ll have to hit the link and watch it on docarzt.com (i think it lets you link the video straight up to every other kind of blog BUT tumblr) but for serious if you’re a fan of the show you’ll love this. Someone writes in the comment section that they hope when the show is over they’ll release something like “Lost in chronological order” on dvd or blu ray, which is something my sister and I have been talking about for a little while now. Hey, “they” did it with the Godfather and it was pretty awesome, so using a mafia epic as precedent I think we have enough evidence to confidently state it’d be really, really fucking awesome to do that with Lost. Would it be more difficult to do? Unequivocally yes. But I would watch everything all over again.

My family and I went to London a few years ago and one of my best memories from the whole trip was my mother, sister and I talking about Lost and NOT the British Museum, Stonehendge or Cantebury.